X’s List O’ 5ive–Maid Madness

We had a busy weekend and when the busy-ness was over, the Cootiebug and I didn’t feel like doing a thing. We spent our Monday watching shitty movies, playing Angry Birds and making short trips from the couch to the kitchen and back. The living room is strewn with empty cups, chip bags and clothes. It would be nice to have someone to clean up after us once in a while, you know?

It’s hard to find good help these days though, or so I hear. Nonetheless, I’ve made a short list of people who exemplify what I’m looking for. If you fit these qualifications and don’t mind being paid in witty one-liners and the occasional dinner of beenie-weenie, feel free to apply.

5.) Alessandra De Rossi as Rosa in The Maid

Rosa is a sweet little Filipino girl who accepts a job in Singapore, working as a maid for the Teo family. She needs the money to pay for an operation her brother desperately needs. The family she’s working for is nice and all, but Rosa has the misfortune of having arrived during Ghost Month, the time of year when spirits break the veil and roam about freely. By the way, what really did happen to the girl Rosa replaced?

Rosa would be a wonderful maid for us because she is good at dealing with weird situations, such as things moving by themselves, money suddenly disappearing and having to deal with malevolent spirits that live in the closet. I’m not saying we have any of that going on here, but it never hurts to be prepared.

4.) Cloris Leachman as Frau Blucher in Young Frankenstein

Frau Blucher! The name itself makes horses whinny in terror. As keeper of Castle Frankenstein, she was responsible for not only running a huge household, but for keeping all of its secrets. When heir to the lab Frederick Frankenstein (Gene Wilder) shows up to reclaim the family castle, Frau Blucher must expand her skill sets to take care of the extra people and manage the strange goings-on.

Frau Blucher would be ideal for us. She’s a heavy smoker, she’s good with animals and she plays the violin! I wonder if she knows any Kansas? She also seems like she could pound out some excellent German food for us. We’re always up for a good schnitzel.

3.) Rudolf Schundler and Gina Petrushka as Karl and Willi in The Exorcist

This old couple have seen it all. It’s implied that Karl was a Nazi during World War II, a statement he vehemently denies. They have a decent life post-war, working as domestics for a famous actress, her assistant and her twelve year old daughter. They get to meet famous people and work at swanky dinner parties thrown by their employer. But children always cause a little bit of trouble, and there’s the occasional need to scrub urine out of a rug or clean up some green projectile vomit. Sometimes you have to tie a kid to a bed in an unnaturally cold room. It happens.

Devotion is the earmark of these two. It wouldn’t matter what kind of horrible shit we threw at them. They would just smile and take it, smiling and deferring to us the whole time. Karl would remind us that there are no rats in the attic, then they would retire to their quarters while Cootie and I break out the leeches and train a new submissive. The next morning, they would make us coffee and clean up the blood without saying a word. Perfection!

2.) Patricia Quinn as Magenta in The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Like Frau Blucher, Magenta is used to taking care of a castle, so our little apartment should be easy to handle. Hell, she would probably turn us down for being too vanilla. After all, Cootie and I don’t have transsexual fashion parties with musical interludes. I’m not trying to create life in the laboratory. We don’t often serve humans for dinner. We’re so boring.

But if she would take the job, I’d be okay with that. We would even find some room for her brother, Riff-Raff. What would be fun for me would be finding long red hairs in the bathroom and trying to figure out if they belonged to Magenta or Cootie. Maybe Magenta could do Cootie’s makeup once in a while. They would be close to twins. Maybe they would let me take pictures of them together for a couple of hours before I… before I told Magenta to go clean something up. Or something. Yeah. That.

1.) Anna Stoppi as Iris in Buio Omega

Iris is a lovely woman who would do anything for her employer. This includes using voodoo to kill his fiancee. Maybe that wasn’t his idea, per se, but she believed she had his best interest at heart. She also excels at getting rid of human bodies and cooling some of the more extreme meats out there. A real gourmand, that Iris.

Obviously, if Iris were our housekeeper, we’d eat like kings. It’s probably best that we not ask too many questions about the origin of the meat,  but I’m sure it would be damned good. Iris would be fiercely loyal to me, too. Cootie, perhaps, not so much. Iris has some jealousy issues, but maybe we could get past those and just be one happy family. Hmmm… doubtful. Okay. Keep Iris away from the mojo bag. Got it.

Well, dammit. Who’s going to clean my apartment now? Guess I’ll drag my lazy ass off the couch and start putting some shit away. Unless you want to come over and help. I’ll whip up some beenie-weenie real quick.