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Regarding Elders Keep: A Writerly Announcement

Hi, everybody.

After talking to a lot of you, I have come to the realization that you folks like real books. You like the feel of paper, the sensation of turning pages, that “new book” smell.

I have to admit that I’m a little surprised by this. After all, I’ve been hearing for years that print is dead and the death of the physical publishing industry was imminent. When I started putting the Tales from the Keep up for sale, I avoided hard copies of them, thinking no one would want them.

golden cydia minecraft

I was wrong.
Hang around. I’ll probably be wrong again at some point.
Armed with this new information, I’ve decided to do something special.

I’ve been working on Golden Cydia Minecraft an anthology for a while, which I was planning to release in November. Now, I think what I’ll do is combine that anthology with the previously released Elders Keep stories. For the first time, all of the Elders Keep stories will be available from Amazon as a physical book.

That’s the four Tales from the Keep, previously published electronically, and three (possibly four) heartwarming stories about holidays in the Keep, in a hard copy format you can place on your bookcase to cherish for all time.

More information will be disseminated (and you can’t tell me that’s not a funny word) at my Facebook page and on my Twitter feed. Here’s a hint: the hashtag will be #BlackFriday.

That’s all for now, Loyal Fanbase! Thanks for your support.

Category: BGTN News

Rock and roll ain’t noise pollution.

It’s a Fuck Yeah, Friday and we’re going to celebrate with some music you need to hear!

Well, you don’t need to, really. I’m not the judge of what you need to do.

But if you would enjoy some of the rock and roll musicks, then here is some of that, for you.

Shivering Window’s “Video Store Girl” is a cool, blue piece of paranoia. It’s not exactly shoegaze, but it has a lo-fi swirl that gets into your head effectively.

Would you like some metal today? Check out Mycelium Construct, with their mathcore dissonance and screamy delicious vocals. Weirdly beautiful at points, painfully harsh at others.

Punk power pop? Hell, yeah. This is like everything you liked about the music of the Aughts without all the crap. It’s awesome, concentrated.

Read : Regarding Elders Keep: A Writerly Announcement

Category: Uncategorized

X’s List O’ 5ive–Maid Madness

We had a busy weekend and when the busy-ness was over, the Cootiebug and I didn’t feel like doing a thing. We spent our Monday watching shitty movies, playing Angry Birds and making short trips from the couch to the kitchen and back. The living room is strewn with empty cups, chip bags and clothes. It would be nice to have someone to clean up after us once in a while, you know?

It’s hard to find good help these days though, or so I hear. Nonetheless, I’ve made a short list of people who exemplify what I’m looking for. If you fit these qualifications and don’t mind being paid in witty one-liners and the occasional dinner of beenie-weenie, feel free to apply.

5.) Alessandra De Rossi as Rosa in The Maid

Rosa is a sweet little Filipino girl who accepts a job in Singapore, working as a maid for the Teo family. She needs the money to pay for an operation her brother desperately needs. The family she’s working for is nice and all, but Rosa has the misfortune of having arrived during Ghost Month, the time of year when spirits break the veil and roam about freely. By the way, what really did happen to the girl Rosa replaced?

Rosa would be a wonderful maid for us because she is good at dealing with weird situations, such as things moving by themselves, money suddenly disappearing and having to deal with malevolent spirits that live in the closet. I’m not saying we have any of that going on here, but it never hurts to be prepared.

4.) Cloris Leachman as Frau Blucher in Young Frankenstein

Frau Blucher! The name itself makes horses whinny in terror. As keeper of Castle Frankenstein, she was responsible for not only running a huge household, but for keeping all of its secrets. When heir to the lab Frederick Frankenstein (Gene Wilder) shows up to reclaim the family castle, Frau Blucher must expand her skill sets to take care of the extra people and manage the strange goings-on.

Frau Blucher would be ideal for us. She’s a heavy smoker, she’s good with animals and she plays the violin! I wonder if she knows any Kansas? She also seems like she could pound out some excellent German food for us. We’re always up for a good schnitzel.

3.) Rudolf Schundler and Gina Petrushka as Karl and Willi in The Exorcist

This old couple have seen it all. It’s implied that Karl was a Nazi during World War II, a statement he vehemently denies. They have a decent life post-war, working as domestics for a famous actress, her assistant and her twelve year old daughter. They get to meet famous people and work at swanky dinner parties thrown by their employer. But children always cause a little bit of trouble, and there’s the occasional need to scrub urine out of a rug or clean up some green projectile vomit. Sometimes you have to tie a kid to a bed in an unnaturally cold room. It happens.

Devotion is the earmark of these two. It wouldn’t matter what kind of horrible shit we threw at them. They would just smile and take it, smiling and deferring to us the whole time. Karl would remind us that there are no rats in the attic, then they would retire to their quarters while Cootie and I break out the leeches and train a new submissive. The next morning, they would make us coffee and clean up the blood without saying a word. Perfection!

2.) Patricia Quinn as Magenta in The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Like Frau Blucher, Magenta is used to taking care of a castle, so our little apartment should be easy to handle. Hell, she would probably turn us down for being too vanilla. After all, Cootie and I don’t have transsexual fashion parties with musical interludes. I’m not trying to create life in the laboratory. We don’t often serve humans for dinner. We’re so boring.

But if she would take the job, I’d be okay with that. We would even find some room for her brother, Riff-Raff. What would be fun for me would be finding long red hairs in the bathroom and trying to figure out if they belonged to Magenta or Cootie. Maybe Magenta could do Cootie’s makeup once in a while. They would be close to twins. Maybe they would let me take pictures of them together for a couple of hours before I… before I told Magenta to go clean something up. Or something. Yeah. That.

1.) Anna Stoppi as Iris in Buio Omega

Iris is a lovely woman who would do anything for her employer. This includes using voodoo to kill his fiancee. Maybe that wasn’t his idea, per se, but she believed she had his best interest at heart. She also excels at getting rid of human bodies and cooling some of the more extreme meats out there. A real gourmand, that Iris.

Obviously, if Iris were our housekeeper, we’d eat like kings. It’s probably best that we not ask too many questions about the origin of the meat,  but I’m sure it would be damned good. Iris would be fiercely loyal to me, too. Cootie, perhaps, not so much. Iris has some jealousy issues, but maybe we could get past those and just be one happy family. Hmmm… doubtful. Okay. Keep Iris away from the mojo bag. Got it.

Well, dammit. Who’s going to clean my apartment now? Guess I’ll drag my lazy ass off the couch and start putting some shit away. Unless you want to come over and help. I’ll whip up some beenie-weenie real quick.


Oh, Hey! Look At These Bloody Tits! – Dream Home

Meet Chou-Chou Zhu. She’s a whore.

Well, not in real life. Then again, maybe she is. I’ve never met her. I’ve only seen her in the movie Dream Home, in which she plays a whore. And judging by the way she’s taking that bed slat down her throat, she’s probably worth all the money they paid for her.

Oh, wait… is that sticking out of the back of her head?

Uh, you’re doing it wrong. And somehow it’s so, so right.

Hit the jump for extremely NSFW imagery.

Chou-Chou Zhu carefully ponders the housing crisis in Hong Kong in Dream Home.

Must Read : Rock and roll ain’t noise pollution.

Category: X's List o' 5ive

Scofield — The Birthday Countdown. Er… Count-up. Part One.

I was born in 1982.

Shocker, right? I’m the pup at BGTN. This May 25th, I will leave behind my child and young-adult hood and become a full fledged thirty-something. By hitting 30, I assume it’s time to worry about stuff like IRAs, a 401k, arthritis and baby aspirin for heart attack prevention.

My favorite thing about old people is their stories. I love listening about “when I was younger” tales from my father, grandfather and their friends. My life hasn’t really been exciting, but shit has happened.

Specifically movies.

The headmaster of BGTN, Professor X, likes to tout 1977 as the best year ever. Well, I can’t speak to that. I wasn’t alive then. It may have been rockin’. But I can tell you that I’ve watched movies my whole life. Movies that I shouldn’t have watched, being as young as I was. So I present you with a five-part special. These are the best movies of my life… by year. Enjoy.

Years 1-6 (1982 – 1987)

1982 – I was born. So was THX sound. This was an advancement year for movies. You all remember hearing that “WHAAAAAAAAAAA” for the first time when presented with THX. So at least my birth was in good company.

As far as films go, ’82 was a good year. There’s some real stars there. Of course, X would want me to pick Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. But I won’t. No, brothers and sisters, Sco’s movie of 1982 isBlade Runner.

Now, you know of our mutual love of Blade Runner here at BGTN so I won’t go into all the gushy details and sound like a fanboy (yet again). But it truly is Ridley Scott’s finest hour. Yeah, even overAlien. If you haven’t seen the film yet, there’s no reason not to go to the store right now and buy it. 1983 – My first birthday was marked with the arrival of my cousin. On the exact same day. Goddamn, there’s nothing like having your first birthday overshadowed by the “new kid in town.” It’s not gotten any better since.

1983 in film was landmarked by having more R rated films released than any previous year. That’s what cocaine will do for an business.

And we all know how well the MPAA does their job…

Released this year were some big time films. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, WarGames, and Risky Business all came out in 1983. But to two-year-old Sco and his now fatter, balder self, one movie from this year stands out the most. Yeah, I picked something over Star Wars. But it wasn’t Empire, my favorite, so don’t judge me.

National Lampoon’s Vacation

Without this film, the words “Wally World” wouldn’t mean anything. It made the prospect of a cross country road trip seem fun. Sure, it sucked for ol’ Clark, but, dammit, the man showed determination. This is the best Lampoon film ever, followed VERY closely by Christmas Vacation.

1984 – I was balls deep into my terrible twos. Which apparently involved falling into a lit kerosene heater (still have that scar) and drinking from any unattended beer can that my parents or their friends left laying around (no, the burn wasn’t because I was drunk).

Read : X’s List O’ 5ive–Maid Madness

1984 brought some changes to the movie industry. Walt Disney founded Touchstone Pictures to release non-Disney appropriate films. Tri-Star Pictures (founded as a joint venture of HBO, CBS and Columbia Pictures) released its first film. Also, the beloved MPAA added the PG-13 Rating to its rating repertoire in response to some of the releases this year. Hits of the year were Beverly Hills Cop, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Gremlins and The Karate Kid. Shit that shouldn’t have been released this year: ANOTHER Star Trek movie, Star Trek III: The Search for SpunkPurple Rain and Footloose.

My pic of the year is a classic. It should be able to be quoted by anyone who considers themselves a Sci-Fi fan. Who you gonna call, motherfuckers?

I’ll always stand behind Sci-Fi comedies. They go well together. And 1984’s Ghostbusters is brilliant. The original concept and script that Dan Aykroyd brought to Ivan Reitman was completely different, when he told Aykroyd that the idea was sound but the budget wasn’t available, Dan and his buddy Harold Ramis (2 years in a row, bitches) went to Martha’s Vineyard and rewrote the film in a bomb-shelter. Heh. Awesome. You want some reasons to watch this flick?


Sigourney Weaver looking hot when she’s possessed.

The Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man.


Bill Fuckin’ Murray.

1985 – I was rounding my toddler years. Three years old found me very light brown / blonde headed and skinny. Heh. I’m pretty sure I was switched when I was six.

1985 in film saw Roger Moore step down from the role of James Bond after 7 years. He was replaced by… well it doesn’t matter, because none of them have been as good as Roger Moore or Sean Connery. Yep, even Daniel Craig. The big hits of the year were Back to the Future, Rambo: First Blood Part 2, Rocky IV and The Color Purple.

Scofield’s pick for best movie of 1985 goes to….

WHO RUN BARTERTOWN?!? I love me some post-apocalypse flicks. I won’t say that Thunderdomeis as good as Road Warrior, but it’s a damn fine choice for 1985. I assume that if the shit gets bad before I’m dead that this is EXACTLY how society will devolve. Look at any riot. Hell, 20 years ago today, the LA riots turned a city into a fuckin war-zone and that was just because some people were pissed. Imagine if government and life as we know it fails. Better get to your chainsaw before the other guy… Ladies and Gentlemen… dyin’ time’s here.

1986 – I was four. I’m pretty sure I could wipe my own ass, read and tie my shoes at this point. I was a smart cookie. In movies, the two biggest schmucks that I’ve ever had to listen to got their first syndicated show. Siskel and Ebert went on a many year run of uninformed, biased, bullshit reviews. They’re assholes. Or were. Whatever.


Popular films of this year included PlatoonCrocodile Dundee, ANOTHER GODDAMN STAR TREKMOVIE (The Voyage Home), and Aliens.

My pick? You may have heard of this film… You may have even seen X and I battling about it on Twitter. He doesn’t respect it. He should. So should you…

That’s right, goddammit, TOP GUN. Sure, Tom Cruise is all batshit crazy now. Kelly McGillis turned out to be a lesbian and now helps addicts and alcoholics at a half-way house, Val Kilmer is fat and Goose (Anthony Edwards) is doing movies that literally NO ONE sees (a British film Motherhoodsold 11 tickets on opening weekend for a Box office total of 88 GBP), but they were all on the top of their game here. My sister recorded this film off of HBO and I’m pretty sure I watched it over and over on that VHS until the sound was wonky and the picture would jump. I can quote every line. So eat it.

1987 – I’m officially school-aged. I’m already learning bad words and that girls are the devil. In theaters, nothing much happened. There was a record set at The School of the Art Institute in Chicago that saw The Cure For Insomnia become the longest running movie in history (Running Time: 5,220 minutes, or 87 hours, or 3 days and 15 hours). Popular films were Fatal Attraction,Good MorningVietnamMoonstruck and Dirty Dancing.

To me, the best movie of 1987 is…

These two played so well together. The movie was and still is one of my favorite “Buddy Cop” style films. It’s well written, well acted and made me want to be a cop. But a cool cop, like Gibson’s Riggs. The awesome bad-guy cast includes Mitchell Ryan and Gary Busey. Damn, I could watch this movie and the follow-ups as well. Gibson may be a crazy fuck, anti-Semite, woman beater now, but back then, he was cool enough to warrant Eric Clapton playing guitar for his “theme”. That’s bad as fuck.

So there we have it, on my way to childhood. Join me next time as I finish out the 80’s and run into the 90’s. Oh boy.


Follow me on Twitter @The_Scofield_